Couse I'm blind to you

Syauqi you probably wonder why there is a new entry in such a short gap, it's today that I wanted to talk about girls, women, female companion or girlfriend whatever suits you......

Why is it today, because today I already felt to overwhelmed. I've been liking her for far too long, I can't no longer kept this feeling under control, the more I saw her, the more it aches in my heart.

Shit man, this is really isn't Syauqi, Syauqi I know is carefree doesn't give a shit at all about this loving couple shit. But man..., What happened to you, you seem to fall down this loving trap so bad that you can't really yourself from.

I wish I can pull the Syauqi from the past, just to slap the shit out of your mind. Just to let them know that you have become this weak ass fool.

Why is it that I have become like this, for far too long I really never had a female friends, but now I do and.... it's dragging you down.

I guess the next Action plan is to avoid them at all cost, I just couldn't let this feeling control me, this shit is like a living night mare. Every-time her's friend joke about her having other crush, it's fucking destroying me within. Even tho I'm not hoping I will ever have a relationship with her but damn.... she kept appearing in my mind. Tidur tak lena, mandi tak basah... Buto apa punya pepatah hahahahaha.

God I have no idea what i'm doing to myself, everyday this stupid ass feeling hurt me more and more. I can no longer run away from this...

Why is it have to be now? why can't you wait a little longer? Is having a girlfriend promise you a happy future? Do you really need to a women to express your feelings? Even if she accept you, will she really give you happiness?

Let's take an example of your great seniors, why can't you be like them. If they can make it, so thus you. Man you suck at this. The current me just hoping you don't fuck up another year, one year is already more than enough. Life is pretty easy, but please for the sake of God, don't fuck it up. All you need to do is just study and do you assignment.

Don't be the ship anchor just because you have a personal problem. Let's keep it professional, ok? Life is full of possibilities and wonder, don't let one women hold you back. Yes, I know is harder than it's sound, nothing change in a flip of a switch, everything take time to achieve...

If you really can't wait now, confess now and hope for the worst, let it pass through, there's more fish in the sea... Remember the advice you told Hanis "He/She maybe meant the world to you right now, but at the end of the day it's all just feelings"

JUST KEEP MOVING FORWARD, don't worry how slow you are, is not about who finish the race first, it's about you keep moving forward regardless the condition you're in.

The beginning of a new Year and Semester

I don't really know how to start this, but one thing for sure, the resit of my examination is a wake-up call that I really needed.

I think I've become more matured over the passing summer, I think.... I'm not sure, but something has changed about me.

So now I'm in my second year of my degree..., my goal for this second year is that I want to be more kind towards my friends and family. Kinder than usual..., I believe that being kind to people is the best way to live your life..., I'm trying not to be too focus on my academic performance (Doesn't mean I don't give a shit at all, but higher grade than last year).

I notice that the older you get, is not all about your academics. You can be a First class student and have such a disgusting personality, disrespectful and overall asshole. but you can be less of a achiever but have a heart of gold. You treat people nicely, you gave them mutual respect. I tend to appreciate people like this more than those who is smart but an asshole.

I'm really not good at making diary, this is just literally me typing whatever word comes to my head.

Now I want to talk about friends, when I mean friends, I mean the real genuine friends. The type of people that don't fake too much around you that tend to treat as it is. I have this one friend, let's call him Fil. Fil have such a genuine personality, some people tend to make fun of him because he tend to be very straight forward, but people like this very genuine. What I mean by Genuine? He is real, how he act is how he act when he is himself or with someone others.. He tend not to act differently with other groups of friends, He act the same wherever he is. He doesn't put up a fake personality even if he is with someone he likes or have a crush on. This kind of people goes the same with my  Halmeoni.

Now I want to talk about my feeling towards girls or woman... idk hahahaha. Man... my feeling has gone really crazy for the passed few weeks, I tend to like everyone I met nowadays. If she treats me too nice, I end up liking her, but deep down I know she just being nice like everyone else. I guess that's what you feel when you never had any relationship before, as you grow older and that little bit touch of a woman (not physically XD) may end-up you falling in love straight away. The hearts is crazy I tell ya, not gonna lie, it get's me every time. Haish... I hope you find someone that truly loved you for who you are, janganlah memilih sangat hahahaha....

Now I want to talk a about my third topic, that is "Family", I tend to have hard time talking to my parent, there so much things I want to tell them but I just couldn't. It's not like I can't, it's just that my heart wont let me. The things is... Every-time I called my parent, I always got this Directive way of having a conversation, rarely I got this emotional support. Directive in a way that... Every-time I talked to my parent they always tells me to do this, to do that, "you don't study enough", "you need to push yourself a bit more", "Look at other people achieve more than you do", this kind of words really put a whole in my heart, sometimes it makes me don't really wanna tell them anything, Every-time they ask me "How is your study?" I can only reply "Everything is OK" and smile... . The feeling of a child that wanted to tell so much thing  and stories towards their parent all vanish. Now I rarely call my parent, maybe once a month. Whenever I heard my friends calling their parent every week to tell them whats has been happening in their life, it really aches in my heart. I know that I could't have the same conversation with my parent, I end-up having this uneasy feeling with my parent. I don't hate my parent, I don't hate'em at all, I love them, They mean everything to me, I prayed a Happy long live towards them everyday. Maybe one day I tell them how I feel, my parent probably have no idea what I've been doing study abroad because I really never tell them anything or shared with them anything.

Oklah Syauqi, I prayed the best of your future and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I hope the future me who is reading this have all his hope and dreams come true. If not well.... meh.... couldn't say anything, nothing about your life is certain I guess..... All the best of luck, kebas suda buntut aku duduk di lantai lama2 ni hahahaha

ohh one more thing, right now.. your feeling is very strong for Oba-chan, good luck ;)