Hello there, it's been sometimes since I wrote something is this blog. Still at lost, have no idea where life going to take me too, still discovering the part of me that I have no idea what I really wanted in this life. But one thing for sure I wanted in life is to be happy, don't we all wanted to be happy?
I have ruined someone, someone I hold dear to me. Somehow end up having the same addiction as me, because of my selfish action. Man.... I really hope she able to get out from it. I help responsible for her action from now on.
I don't mine destroying myself, but someone else is a no go for me. Why should they suffer the same as me? they have wonderful life ahead of them. I have now fully come to conclusion that I should not ever fall in love again, I wanted to dedicated my love only towards my family. I just couldn't fall in love without hurting them. I've been enough trouble towards my parent but I just could not let other also bear my mistake.
It would be nice if God granted my wish to not be exist in the first place. Just imagine how many people wont feel burden and trouble if I weren't to exist. Life would be so much better.
I'm tired of trying to love myself, I just wanted to follow the flow in life from now on. Not strong, not at all. Keep telling myself before that I have a strong mental and will to keep moving forward, but now.... it's all a lie. Lot's of misstep, lots of failure, and now I can see clearly the next to come failure in life.
If suicide wasn't such a taboo thing and painful, I've been long gone. I really don't want to trouble the people I love.
What would I answer to Allah in the day of judgement? what have I done... It will be an uphill battle for her, a battle that I myself struggle for more than a decade now. End up just controlling it rather then completely get rid of it. I just couldn't forgive myself, I really couldn't. Probably will be my last relationship ever, no more afterwards. Why am I like this god? Why can I be normal like the others? Why is it every action I take will come to bite me?
I'm too tired of myself, could not see anymore the light in the end of this dark tunnel. Pandemic hit me hard, people expectation hit me hard, reality hit me hard, I just could not forgive myself even if I tried.
No more moving forward, now I'll be just staying and staring.
If you're reading this in the future Syauqi, how's life?
