What have I done...

 Hello there, it's been sometimes since I wrote something is this blog. Still at lost, have no idea where life going to take me too, still discovering the part of me that I have no idea what I really wanted in this life. But one thing for sure I wanted in life is to be happy, don't we all wanted to be happy?

I have ruined someone, someone I hold dear to me. Somehow end up having the same addiction as me, because of my selfish action. Man.... I really hope she able to get out from it. I help responsible for her action from now on.

I don't  mine destroying myself, but someone else is a no go for me. Why should they suffer the same as me? they have wonderful life ahead of them. I have now fully come to conclusion that I should not ever fall in love again, I wanted to dedicated my love only towards my family. I just couldn't fall in love without hurting them. I've been enough trouble towards my parent but I just could not let other also bear my mistake. 

It would be nice if God granted my wish to not be exist in the first place. Just imagine how many people wont feel burden and trouble if I weren't to exist. Life would be so much better. 

I'm tired of trying to love myself, I just wanted to follow the flow in life from now on. Not strong, not at all. Keep telling myself before that I have a strong mental and will to keep moving forward, but now.... it's all a lie. Lot's of misstep, lots of failure, and now I can see clearly the next to come failure in life. 

If suicide wasn't such a taboo thing and painful, I've been long gone. I really don't want to trouble the people I love. 

What would I answer to Allah in the day of judgement? what have I done... It will be an uphill battle for her, a battle that I myself struggle for more than a decade now. End up just controlling it rather then completely get rid of it. I just couldn't forgive myself, I really couldn't. Probably will be my last relationship ever, no more afterwards. Why am I like this god? Why can I be normal like the others? Why is it every action I take will come to bite me?

I'm too tired of myself, could not see anymore the light in the end of this dark tunnel. Pandemic hit me hard, people expectation hit me hard, reality hit me hard, I just could not forgive myself even if I tried.

No more moving forward, now I'll be just staying and staring. 

If you're reading this in the future Syauqi, how's life?

 

Uncertainty

Today is 26th of  May 2021, today should be my last day of exam and should be the last thing I do to complete my degree life. But guess what, I had to extend my examination period till August.

Not only I need to extend my exam, but also my coursework because god knows I was mentally depress for the whole third year. It's not all that bad when I think about it, on the good side, I manage to deliver my FYP, not the best, but I'm satisfied with the marks I got.

So now, I'm just starting all over again with my studies from week 1, getting myself prepared for August paper. Hope the mitigating circumstances I applied is approve. If not, god knows I have no idea what to explain to my parents for my lack of doing any academic related stuff this year. Lock-down and online studies hit me hard, so hard that I have no more motivation to study of even think about what sort of future I'll be having. But than again, I know too damn well that the future me gonna regret this, but what would Syauqi of the present knows. The cycle just repeat it self over and over again, such horror. 

At the moment, I just wanted to be alone really, not contacting anyone that I know and love. Only few knows my situation now. not even my loves one. Feel kinda bad, not gonna lie, wish I can disappear and be somewhere else and start a new, with a new identity. 

3 months ago, I sorta got a planned what to do with my life. I'm just completely lost. The amount of regret that I'm having right now is immense, like every decision I made for the last 12 month  has come to haunt me back. Last 3 month I could at least planned out what to do, but now, I can't even see for the next 3 month. Completely have no idea where and what I would be at that time. 

I'm just hoping that you are well and alive, no matter who you failed or what don't goes to plan, remember that the Syauqi as of right now, I love you and always be here to listen to your problem. There's is you and Allah, that's all you need. 

I don't know where life is going to take me, but that in itself is beautiful. Where and what would I be in the next 3, 6, 12 month and 5 years is truly a beautiful mystery. Rest assure Syauqi, no matter what, you just have to keep on moving forward, even by an inch a day. You're a solitude of a person, it's best you let go of everyone when the times come and just live on your own, people tend to fail you and you also tend to fail people, but if you put your heart in Allah hand, I can assure you that you wont be fail. 

Aight, that's all I have to say for now, remember on said something about not coming back to this blog. LOL! How wrong you were, you probably going to be here for quite a long time buddy, probably death will stop you eventually. All the best for you future endeavors, you'll need it ;) .