Relentless Summer

Summer break...... I... finally failed my exam.......,
Just like what I said last time, I truly can't make it this year.....
Here I am in front of my laptop, Just feeling like typing something tonight.....

Even tho I've been given second chance by this resit, I..... still.... couldn't feel anything.....

1st July 2019, back home in Malaysia, sitting in bathroom at night, endlessly waiting for the result to come out that night (UK was about midday).....

Result finally release........, Slowly scroll down subject by subject, Everything was either C or D, but mostly D.....
I wasn't expecting much, given how much rough was that year for me and copping with depression...

Slowly scrolling down more......... then there it is, a failed subject, engineering maths......
At that time I just froze, couldn't think much.....
My mind gone blank.....
I was just too overwhelm and couldn't say much and it was late at night I just head to bed afterward

Woke up in the morning to check the result again, I thought it was a dream........ Then there it is the reality........
It hit me hard........... The first person I inform was my Best friend who also study at the same university, called Madd.
Madd tell me to calm down as he says it was normal to fail........ I feel bit at ease

But I was kinda scared to tell my family that I had failed a paper.....
Not scared because they will get mad at me, but scared how much they be telling me how I'm not taking serious about my study..... how much I kept playing game......... How much I keep spending money fooling around............

It's really pained to hear all of those things...... I wish I can tell them I tried...... I really do tried my best.......
All the time I spend my time at library...........
All the exercise on subject I done...........
But in the end all I'm hearing is that I have not done enough......
That I'm not trying my best.......

Feels like all the achievement I had acquired before meant nothing no more to them..........
The only things people remember is my failure.....
Feels like high school all over again..... A failure........

Now here I am, back in UK, Back in the house......
Back where I'm started.......
Everyday feel relentless...
Everyday feel restless ...
Everyday I feel worried about the distance future.....
Everyday I wish..... I didn't exist.... Never born........ There's no Syauqi

I really don't know anymore
Never had anyone to tell my feeling about........., I feel so lonely.........
I wish there someone to hear me out........

I was once said to my friend during high school "If suicide wasn't pain and taboo, I'll be long gone"...

Oh Syauqi of the past I know you had much hope and big dream towards the future, but..... the current Syauqi not so determine anymore what he should be doing

Oh Syauqi of the future..... I'm sorry.... I wish the best of luck to you and always remember "Keep Moving Forward"

I don't whats happening with me.. I really don't......
Suicide was never an option but whose knows what kind of future I'll be facing next.....