Feeling empty

Empty, my heart is so empty. I couldn't feel anything. and now it's more than halfway through April, Still couldn't resolve my problem, still couldn't pin point what I'm missing in life. But I know the hole is there.

Exam is near... and i feel that this is the year that I truly am can't make it till the end. All this time even the hardest challenge I'm able to make it to the end... but this time, I think I will finally see myself as a real failure. 

You probably thinking that I just should stop be lazy and get my shit together, I really do one to move... I really do......, but..... the feeling of emptiness just couldn't motivate me enough to move on. Everyday woke feeling empty, my mind kept telling to wake up! wake up! wake up!.... but my body wont just move, my thought are scattered everywhere, I couldn't direct my focus towards anything. 

I'm scared of myself......, I'm scared that this feeling of emptiness will linger on my for a long period of time, I'm scared because of me, I will become a disappointment towards my parent once more. I want to move on, I want to feel happy again, I want to feel ambitious, I want to chase my dream.

I really dont know what to do anymore........ I dont know........

Why is it I become someone like this? I didn't came here to be a disappointment, I came here to search for myself, but at the end of the day...... end of everyday... I kept loosing myself more and more..... 

Why can I be like anyone else, they all have dreams... They all have goal to accomplished.... but me...... I don't know..........

I hope Syauqi in the future you find happiness and finally find someone you love.......... I hope that person truly understand you...... I'm sorry Syauqi of the past that I couldn't carry your hopes and dreams...... I'm sorry Syauqi of the future that I didn't try hard enough.......

I'm sorry mom and dad that I'm such a spoil son, you guys gave me everything and I screwed it up.

I'm sorry friend that at one point I'm being such a dick..........

I'm sorry everyone.............