Odd Raya

Where do I even begin?... Hmmm... lets say this Raya for me is really odd and calming...

Soo much Malaysian student have gone back, only left us few stranded here in Manchester.

So Ramadhan didn't went so well, could've been better.

What I'm really wanted to talk today is about my feeling, an updated towards how I feel about "her".

Ramadhan made me realise who I am... maybe not  really knowing "who I really am", but more like knowing what kind of a person I am real deep down. After some thought and pondering, I have come to conclude something about myself...

I really do love them, 

I look up to both of them, an example of someone that one day I want to become, spritually and mentally. But... with my current addiction, I can't possibly imagine that I should ever build my relationship with them. They deserve someone better, someone who possibly like them.

After spending sometime with her, days before Raya, I notice something... my feeling isn't real...

it's like I'm forcing myself to loved them. I still do loved them, but my loved for them is that I wanted them to be with someone who meant to be. 

It's pain me, but I really am not ready for any relationship, probably for quite sometime... Not until I resolved myself. I would be a betrayal toward them if I were to have a relationship with them.

And you probably notice that I used "Them" alot.... Yes, I have played with alot of feelings, which I want to draw back bit by bits, whomever they like from now on, I wanted to accept it and support them.

In near future maybe there will be someone for me, someone who really understand me and able to accept me with my problem.

There so much about me they have not known yet, If they were know about it. We probably strangers by now...

Plus... I  have a promise to fullfil towards my parent first, probably gonna take forever, but that's okay... Oh what a life...

Well, Syauqi... Keep Moving Forward.