I got somewhat rejected...... I think.... IDK

So i have finally confess my feeling, sh*t was real hahahahaha,

She didn't quite give me an answer, because I said "I'm not expecting anything from this", thus she stays quite, leave me hanging, still have feeling for her tho, How I wish she was the one..

guess it's just a one sided feeling, like how i kept having one sided love for every person i have a crush on.......

man... this isn't really me, i used not to think any of this sh*t feeling

Syauqi of the future the best of luck and keep moving forward, may you find someone that trully genuinely love you.....

I gues thats all for this year entry... see you next year in 2020

KEEP MOVING FORWARD

Couse I'm blind to you

Syauqi you probably wonder why there is a new entry in such a short gap, it's today that I wanted to talk about girls, women, female companion or girlfriend whatever suits you......

Why is it today, because today I already felt to overwhelmed. I've been liking her for far too long, I can't no longer kept this feeling under control, the more I saw her, the more it aches in my heart.

Shit man, this is really isn't Syauqi, Syauqi I know is carefree doesn't give a shit at all about this loving couple shit. But man..., What happened to you, you seem to fall down this loving trap so bad that you can't really yourself from.

I wish I can pull the Syauqi from the past, just to slap the shit out of your mind. Just to let them know that you have become this weak ass fool.

Why is it that I have become like this, for far too long I really never had a female friends, but now I do and.... it's dragging you down.

I guess the next Action plan is to avoid them at all cost, I just couldn't let this feeling control me, this shit is like a living night mare. Every-time her's friend joke about her having other crush, it's fucking destroying me within. Even tho I'm not hoping I will ever have a relationship with her but damn.... she kept appearing in my mind. Tidur tak lena, mandi tak basah... Buto apa punya pepatah hahahahaha.

God I have no idea what i'm doing to myself, everyday this stupid ass feeling hurt me more and more. I can no longer run away from this...

Why is it have to be now? why can't you wait a little longer? Is having a girlfriend promise you a happy future? Do you really need to a women to express your feelings? Even if she accept you, will she really give you happiness?

Let's take an example of your great seniors, why can't you be like them. If they can make it, so thus you. Man you suck at this. The current me just hoping you don't fuck up another year, one year is already more than enough. Life is pretty easy, but please for the sake of God, don't fuck it up. All you need to do is just study and do you assignment.

Don't be the ship anchor just because you have a personal problem. Let's keep it professional, ok? Life is full of possibilities and wonder, don't let one women hold you back. Yes, I know is harder than it's sound, nothing change in a flip of a switch, everything take time to achieve...

If you really can't wait now, confess now and hope for the worst, let it pass through, there's more fish in the sea... Remember the advice you told Hanis "He/She maybe meant the world to you right now, but at the end of the day it's all just feelings"

JUST KEEP MOVING FORWARD, don't worry how slow you are, is not about who finish the race first, it's about you keep moving forward regardless the condition you're in.

The beginning of a new Year and Semester

I don't really know how to start this, but one thing for sure, the resit of my examination is a wake-up call that I really needed.

I think I've become more matured over the passing summer, I think.... I'm not sure, but something has changed about me.

So now I'm in my second year of my degree..., my goal for this second year is that I want to be more kind towards my friends and family. Kinder than usual..., I believe that being kind to people is the best way to live your life..., I'm trying not to be too focus on my academic performance (Doesn't mean I don't give a shit at all, but higher grade than last year).

I notice that the older you get, is not all about your academics. You can be a First class student and have such a disgusting personality, disrespectful and overall asshole. but you can be less of a achiever but have a heart of gold. You treat people nicely, you gave them mutual respect. I tend to appreciate people like this more than those who is smart but an asshole.

I'm really not good at making diary, this is just literally me typing whatever word comes to my head.

Now I want to talk about friends, when I mean friends, I mean the real genuine friends. The type of people that don't fake too much around you that tend to treat as it is. I have this one friend, let's call him Fil. Fil have such a genuine personality, some people tend to make fun of him because he tend to be very straight forward, but people like this very genuine. What I mean by Genuine? He is real, how he act is how he act when he is himself or with someone others.. He tend not to act differently with other groups of friends, He act the same wherever he is. He doesn't put up a fake personality even if he is with someone he likes or have a crush on. This kind of people goes the same with my  Halmeoni.

Now I want to talk about my feeling towards girls or woman... idk hahahaha. Man... my feeling has gone really crazy for the passed few weeks, I tend to like everyone I met nowadays. If she treats me too nice, I end up liking her, but deep down I know she just being nice like everyone else. I guess that's what you feel when you never had any relationship before, as you grow older and that little bit touch of a woman (not physically XD) may end-up you falling in love straight away. The hearts is crazy I tell ya, not gonna lie, it get's me every time. Haish... I hope you find someone that truly loved you for who you are, janganlah memilih sangat hahahaha....

Now I want to talk a about my third topic, that is "Family", I tend to have hard time talking to my parent, there so much things I want to tell them but I just couldn't. It's not like I can't, it's just that my heart wont let me. The things is... Every-time I called my parent, I always got this Directive way of having a conversation, rarely I got this emotional support. Directive in a way that... Every-time I talked to my parent they always tells me to do this, to do that, "you don't study enough", "you need to push yourself a bit more", "Look at other people achieve more than you do", this kind of words really put a whole in my heart, sometimes it makes me don't really wanna tell them anything, Every-time they ask me "How is your study?" I can only reply "Everything is OK" and smile... . The feeling of a child that wanted to tell so much thing  and stories towards their parent all vanish. Now I rarely call my parent, maybe once a month. Whenever I heard my friends calling their parent every week to tell them whats has been happening in their life, it really aches in my heart. I know that I could't have the same conversation with my parent, I end-up having this uneasy feeling with my parent. I don't hate my parent, I don't hate'em at all, I love them, They mean everything to me, I prayed a Happy long live towards them everyday. Maybe one day I tell them how I feel, my parent probably have no idea what I've been doing study abroad because I really never tell them anything or shared with them anything.

Oklah Syauqi, I prayed the best of your future and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. I hope the future me who is reading this have all his hope and dreams come true. If not well.... meh.... couldn't say anything, nothing about your life is certain I guess..... All the best of luck, kebas suda buntut aku duduk di lantai lama2 ni hahahaha

ohh one more thing, right now.. your feeling is very strong for Oba-chan, good luck ;)

Relentless Summer

Summer break...... I... finally failed my exam.......,
Just like what I said last time, I truly can't make it this year.....
Here I am in front of my laptop, Just feeling like typing something tonight.....

Even tho I've been given second chance by this resit, I..... still.... couldn't feel anything.....

1st July 2019, back home in Malaysia, sitting in bathroom at night, endlessly waiting for the result to come out that night (UK was about midday).....

Result finally release........, Slowly scroll down subject by subject, Everything was either C or D, but mostly D.....
I wasn't expecting much, given how much rough was that year for me and copping with depression...

Slowly scrolling down more......... then there it is, a failed subject, engineering maths......
At that time I just froze, couldn't think much.....
My mind gone blank.....
I was just too overwhelm and couldn't say much and it was late at night I just head to bed afterward

Woke up in the morning to check the result again, I thought it was a dream........ Then there it is the reality........
It hit me hard........... The first person I inform was my Best friend who also study at the same university, called Madd.
Madd tell me to calm down as he says it was normal to fail........ I feel bit at ease

But I was kinda scared to tell my family that I had failed a paper.....
Not scared because they will get mad at me, but scared how much they be telling me how I'm not taking serious about my study..... how much I kept playing game......... How much I keep spending money fooling around............

It's really pained to hear all of those things...... I wish I can tell them I tried...... I really do tried my best.......
All the time I spend my time at library...........
All the exercise on subject I done...........
But in the end all I'm hearing is that I have not done enough......
That I'm not trying my best.......

Feels like all the achievement I had acquired before meant nothing no more to them..........
The only things people remember is my failure.....
Feels like high school all over again..... A failure........

Now here I am, back in UK, Back in the house......
Back where I'm started.......
Everyday feel relentless...
Everyday feel restless ...
Everyday I feel worried about the distance future.....
Everyday I wish..... I didn't exist.... Never born........ There's no Syauqi

I really don't know anymore
Never had anyone to tell my feeling about........., I feel so lonely.........
I wish there someone to hear me out........

I was once said to my friend during high school "If suicide wasn't pain and taboo, I'll be long gone"...

Oh Syauqi of the past I know you had much hope and big dream towards the future, but..... the current Syauqi not so determine anymore what he should be doing

Oh Syauqi of the future..... I'm sorry.... I wish the best of luck to you and always remember "Keep Moving Forward"

I don't whats happening with me.. I really don't......
Suicide was never an option but whose knows what kind of future I'll be facing next.....

Feeling empty

Empty, my heart is so empty. I couldn't feel anything. and now it's more than halfway through April, Still couldn't resolve my problem, still couldn't pin point what I'm missing in life. But I know the hole is there.

Exam is near... and i feel that this is the year that I truly am can't make it till the end. All this time even the hardest challenge I'm able to make it to the end... but this time, I think I will finally see myself as a real failure. 

You probably thinking that I just should stop be lazy and get my shit together, I really do one to move... I really do......, but..... the feeling of emptiness just couldn't motivate me enough to move on. Everyday woke feeling empty, my mind kept telling to wake up! wake up! wake up!.... but my body wont just move, my thought are scattered everywhere, I couldn't direct my focus towards anything. 

I'm scared of myself......, I'm scared that this feeling of emptiness will linger on my for a long period of time, I'm scared because of me, I will become a disappointment towards my parent once more. I want to move on, I want to feel happy again, I want to feel ambitious, I want to chase my dream.

I really dont know what to do anymore........ I dont know........

Why is it I become someone like this? I didn't came here to be a disappointment, I came here to search for myself, but at the end of the day...... end of everyday... I kept loosing myself more and more..... 

Why can I be like anyone else, they all have dreams... They all have goal to accomplished.... but me...... I don't know..........

I hope Syauqi in the future you find happiness and finally find someone you love.......... I hope that person truly understand you...... I'm sorry Syauqi of the past that I couldn't carry your hopes and dreams...... I'm sorry Syauqi of the future that I didn't try hard enough.......

I'm sorry mom and dad that I'm such a spoil son, you guys gave me everything and I screwed it up.

I'm sorry friend that at one point I'm being such a dick..........

I'm sorry everyone.............

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

It's 2019........ I don't know how to begin this, but as I'm typing this will be the words that coming to my mind.

I choose to further my study in the UK was because I set it as my long-term dream. Now that i have reach here i'm in this never ending limbo. I was wrong trying to proof others that "I also can make it, by proving that I also able to study overseas".

Now that dream have come true, I no longer have the will to study. My dream is short lifted, I guess this what I deserved. Why is it I became like this? Why can't I be normal? Why is it that I have to be weird in such a bad way? I dont want this, I wish this feeling can just go away.

Again I'm stuck in searching my new long term dream. I dont know where to begin to find new passion. Everyday just living my life in autopilot. No real destination, day just passed by like there nothing to be cared. Barely can give any shit that happen right now. No emotions, numb feeling, empty heart, just aching pain in depression. 

Typing this before the last day of exam, no will to study at all. Some may say that this is the last paper Syndrome. But I have to disagree, been feeling like shit since day 1. I really don't know where to begin. 

Back then before coming here, I never tend to give up easily. I usually push my self to last ounce of strength left in me, but now........... I just feels like giving up, Nothing gave meaning to me anymore. Only matters to me is my parent (mom & dad). Yes you might think that "If you love your parent you think about giving up your studies". Let me tell you, they mean the world to me, Yes I know that they have they sweat off to able to send me study abroad. YES I do felt guilt by this. at some point I think "Why do I even bothered coming here, I wish I never knew about studying abroad, I wish I was stupid so that I wont able to come here". 

Why I keep stumbling on things kept giving me problem? Why do I kept giving myself problem? Why am I like this? The truth is i dont even know if Engineering was my passion, I dont fukin know anymore.....

I remembered that day where i just stop at the moment in life, just literally stop while walking to life, a very long pause...... I couldn't move just a very long pause. I end up skipping class, suddenly feels like shit that day. I don't know what really happen. 

The word that i kept telling myself  "Keep moving forward", i meant nothing to me anymore, couldn't kept me motivated. 

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY