I choose to further my study in the UK was because I set it as my long-term dream. Now that i have reach here i'm in this never ending limbo. I was wrong trying to proof others that "I also can make it, by proving that I also able to study overseas".
Now that dream have come true, I no longer have the will to study. My dream is short lifted, I guess this what I deserved. Why is it I became like this? Why can't I be normal? Why is it that I have to be weird in such a bad way? I dont want this, I wish this feeling can just go away.
Again I'm stuck in searching my new long term dream. I dont know where to begin to find new passion. Everyday just living my life in autopilot. No real destination, day just passed by like there nothing to be cared. Barely can give any shit that happen right now. No emotions, numb feeling, empty heart, just aching pain in depression.
Typing this before the last day of exam, no will to study at all. Some may say that this is the last paper Syndrome. But I have to disagree, been feeling like shit since day 1. I really don't know where to begin.
Back then before coming here, I never tend to give up easily. I usually push my self to last ounce of strength left in me, but now........... I just feels like giving up, Nothing gave meaning to me anymore. Only matters to me is my parent (mom & dad). Yes you might think that "If you love your parent you think about giving up your studies". Let me tell you, they mean the world to me, Yes I know that they have they sweat off to able to send me study abroad. YES I do felt guilt by this. at some point I think "Why do I even bothered coming here, I wish I never knew about studying abroad, I wish I was stupid so that I wont able to come here".
Why I keep stumbling on things kept giving me problem? Why do I kept giving myself problem? Why am I like this? The truth is i dont even know if Engineering was my passion, I dont fukin know anymore.....
I remembered that day where i just stop at the moment in life, just literally stop while walking to life, a very long pause...... I couldn't move just a very long pause. I end up skipping class, suddenly feels like shit that day. I don't know what really happen.
The word that i kept telling myself "Keep moving forward", i meant nothing to me anymore, couldn't kept me motivated.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY
No comments:
Post a Comment