A lonely parasite

For the past few days, I felt so lonely and lost, I come to conclude that I have no one to turn to, no one  to express  my feelings, no one to trust, no one to depend on.

Feel betrayed, left out, abandoned. Felt so desperate that I teased someone that I care, too far, she no longer comfortable around me. Man... all these desperate feeling, desperate to be loved is driving me crazy, this shit is sad and depressfull. 

How I wish I was a robot, just execute without any hesitation, do whatever it needs to achieved one objective without care, No feeling or emotions, just do whatever to stay alive, no needs, no nothing. Just be living at the bare minimum just to stay alive.

I thought this the year I actually make friends, but it turn out i'm still lonely as fuck. I thought I'm just too desperate for women, so I decided that I will reduce my interaction with them and focus on my male friends, but they also left me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I am absolutely lost. I am easily discarded when no longer needed.

One of my goal this year is to be the "kindest person you ever know" but holy fuck! is hard to kept being kind to people, especially when they respond back towards you like this. You may argue that "Then you're not sincere in being kind" I am only human, I tried my best to be sincere whatever happen to me, but as much a human can take, I also tend to explode when it's too much. I'm not strong, I really am not......

"Then find a new friends" how many time do I need to be discarded? Every single person I know, closed to me for awhile then alll the sudden gone, It's always been me chasing after them, I'm tired......, I wanna find someone who is genuine. I don't belong anywhere, they all have their own friends, I'm just a parasite holding to someone for sometime, when I drained them, off I jump to another victims. Who am I..... who do I think I am, trying to be their someone special.

Just better for me to accept that I am alone, and I need to start to get use to it.

Part of me kept telling me that "At least you have God", sadly days after days of depression made me less of a religious person and made me forget about God.

Ohh Syauqi of the coming time, let it be 1 month, 2 month, 5 year, 10 years. If you still alive and reading this, let this be a reminder if you ever met someone you love and she also love you back equally or more, be always to remember that you've been lonely for years. Love her, trust her, and never kept a secret from her.

whatever you feel, whatever sort of challenge you're facing, let's not forget:

KEEP MOVING FORWARD