Death

So it's already mids of April, Univesity is out due to covid-19. Here I am stuck in my room.

Look... me being stuck in my room is the worst posible feeling ever. Being stuck and not able to go out have made my mental health go down the drain.

*New Update: Actually the text above have been there for quite sometime, now just got the will to update this *wish how I got the same will to do my report T_T*

Yeah it's already end of April, a day before May. Booked a flight back home, should be on 4/5, cancelled to 17/5, cancelled again to 16/6, probably gonna get cancel again. Welp, what can you do during this pandemic, shit happen.

Second Raya di perantauan, not that bad actually, but I really hope that I can get back before Raya Haji. Raya Haji is the most meriah festival in my life compare to Raya Puasa.

So Syauqi, today topic is "Death", yup mati. If I were to die I probably go straight to hell, no doubt. When near death situation comes, I plea like a little bitch to God to have a second chance. But when I'm fine and healthy, I loose myself. I do all sort of shit behind people back, no one knows who I really am. With all the addiction that I have, there's no telling me when does it gonna stop, tried to stop it during ramadan but failed on the fourth day.

I feel so hopeless, If I were to stand infront of god during the resurection day, I probably be stun, stun seeing the mountain of sin I have committed, out of word, no excuse, totally being done by me.

At this point in life I really have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life, the future seems dark and bleak. The feeling on loneliness always lingers in me. I tried to kill my feeling towards her but I still love her. Ohh this feeling of unrequited love. it's soo painfull, it makes me alive. Alive but in despair. Bagai menusuk pisau ke jantung, rather than stop it, I push it deeper just to feel alive. I don't know what is my problem, I have such comfortable life, good food, a nice home to sleep, financially stable, a loving parent, great friends all around.

But, what is it with me? Why can't I be normal like them? Why can't I have a strong faith like them? Just why? What is it with me that I'm soo different compare to my friends? Why God? Am I really destine for hell? Is my existance set an example to whole man kind as a person that will go to hell no matter what he does? I try, I really do, but sometime it really just hard to go againts the flow.

Nothing about me is authentic, Just a lump of body that adapt to it's enviroment from time to time.

Well Syauqi, I really hope you find someone who can bring you happiness, someone that can end this feeling of loneliness. Don't be too picky. I hope that when you come back to read this again, I hope everything is well, hope that you able to finish your degree, hope that you find happiness, hope that you become a better muslim, hope that your parent will be proud of you. Soo many hope hahahhahaha, one last hope....., hope that this "hope" won't turn into poison. If it does....... Just "Keep Moving Forward".