What have I done...

 Hello there, it's been sometimes since I wrote something is this blog. Still at lost, have no idea where life going to take me too, still discovering the part of me that I have no idea what I really wanted in this life. But one thing for sure I wanted in life is to be happy, don't we all wanted to be happy?

I have ruined someone, someone I hold dear to me. Somehow end up having the same addiction as me, because of my selfish action. Man.... I really hope she able to get out from it. I help responsible for her action from now on.

I don't  mine destroying myself, but someone else is a no go for me. Why should they suffer the same as me? they have wonderful life ahead of them. I have now fully come to conclusion that I should not ever fall in love again, I wanted to dedicated my love only towards my family. I just couldn't fall in love without hurting them. I've been enough trouble towards my parent but I just could not let other also bear my mistake. 

It would be nice if God granted my wish to not be exist in the first place. Just imagine how many people wont feel burden and trouble if I weren't to exist. Life would be so much better. 

I'm tired of trying to love myself, I just wanted to follow the flow in life from now on. Not strong, not at all. Keep telling myself before that I have a strong mental and will to keep moving forward, but now.... it's all a lie. Lot's of misstep, lots of failure, and now I can see clearly the next to come failure in life. 

If suicide wasn't such a taboo thing and painful, I've been long gone. I really don't want to trouble the people I love. 

What would I answer to Allah in the day of judgement? what have I done... It will be an uphill battle for her, a battle that I myself struggle for more than a decade now. End up just controlling it rather then completely get rid of it. I just couldn't forgive myself, I really couldn't. Probably will be my last relationship ever, no more afterwards. Why am I like this god? Why can I be normal like the others? Why is it every action I take will come to bite me?

I'm too tired of myself, could not see anymore the light in the end of this dark tunnel. Pandemic hit me hard, people expectation hit me hard, reality hit me hard, I just could not forgive myself even if I tried.

No more moving forward, now I'll be just staying and staring. 

If you're reading this in the future Syauqi, how's life?

 

Uncertainty

Today is 26th of  May 2021, today should be my last day of exam and should be the last thing I do to complete my degree life. But guess what, I had to extend my examination period till August.

Not only I need to extend my exam, but also my coursework because god knows I was mentally depress for the whole third year. It's not all that bad when I think about it, on the good side, I manage to deliver my FYP, not the best, but I'm satisfied with the marks I got.

So now, I'm just starting all over again with my studies from week 1, getting myself prepared for August paper. Hope the mitigating circumstances I applied is approve. If not, god knows I have no idea what to explain to my parents for my lack of doing any academic related stuff this year. Lock-down and online studies hit me hard, so hard that I have no more motivation to study of even think about what sort of future I'll be having. But than again, I know too damn well that the future me gonna regret this, but what would Syauqi of the present knows. The cycle just repeat it self over and over again, such horror. 

At the moment, I just wanted to be alone really, not contacting anyone that I know and love. Only few knows my situation now. not even my loves one. Feel kinda bad, not gonna lie, wish I can disappear and be somewhere else and start a new, with a new identity. 

3 months ago, I sorta got a planned what to do with my life. I'm just completely lost. The amount of regret that I'm having right now is immense, like every decision I made for the last 12 month  has come to haunt me back. Last 3 month I could at least planned out what to do, but now, I can't even see for the next 3 month. Completely have no idea where and what I would be at that time. 

I'm just hoping that you are well and alive, no matter who you failed or what don't goes to plan, remember that the Syauqi as of right now, I love you and always be here to listen to your problem. There's is you and Allah, that's all you need. 

I don't know where life is going to take me, but that in itself is beautiful. Where and what would I be in the next 3, 6, 12 month and 5 years is truly a beautiful mystery. Rest assure Syauqi, no matter what, you just have to keep on moving forward, even by an inch a day. You're a solitude of a person, it's best you let go of everyone when the times come and just live on your own, people tend to fail you and you also tend to fail people, but if you put your heart in Allah hand, I can assure you that you wont be fail. 

Aight, that's all I have to say for now, remember on said something about not coming back to this blog. LOL! How wrong you were, you probably going to be here for quite a long time buddy, probably death will stop you eventually. All the best for you future endeavors, you'll need it ;) . 

Hey there...

It's been 5 months already, entahlah Syauqi, kau patut dengar cakap Mama Ayah.... 

Jangan sesekali jatuh cinta, engkau tu lah broken inside, dengan mental state yang lemah kau nak jatuh cinta? hah... lemah lah kau Syauqi, kerja nak menyusahkan orang sekeliling saja kau ni...

Hah... so sekarang macam mana? baru kau tahu reality cinta tak seindah mana kau expect, ada je masalah, serupa orang lonely XD.

At the end of the day kau masih sunyi, despite having someone, you still are a lonely prick. 

Ni apa langkah seterusnya? kau hanya menyiksa dia dan kau, baik kau lepaskan saja. You are better being alone and sad like you always has been. Tiada siapa faham kau Syauqi, Tuhan saja faham kau, tu pun kau tak jaga hubungan dengan Tuhan.

Sedarlah.... sudah sudah lah.... end this game call of heart. Aku bagi kau lagi 2 bulan... kalau kau masih macam ni, tarik lah diri kau tu, kesian anak dara tu, mana tahu dia dah ada someone else, dia kesian akan kau so dia tak nak kau rasa sedih. 

Just be alone for the rest of your life... you just not capable of giving out love, deep down you know who you are....

sudah-sudah lah tu Syauqi...

Slowly but surely

Scared of the future, really am. 

Whenever I think about it, I really don't have an idea what's it gonna be like.

It give me this cold hard look at me whenever it cross my mind.

But honestly, we all don't know what's our future will be like.

Back then when I was around 11-12 years old, me and my mate were wondering how we turn out when we finish high school. We weren't so sure what our path will be like, but one thing for certain, that we will be there and think again how we would be when we reach 20's and that's what we exactly thought again when we met each other at 17.

Now I'm 23, things are not that great but not so bad either. Remember that I said in previous post that I can finally let go of my feeling towards her? yeah that was hard. It's even harder when all the sudden you dream of her finally accepting you. The dream felt so real, I shed tears during my sleep.

Man.. what.. a.. life!...

So I'm writing this is when the future me is reading and finally found someone (someone that able to reciprocrate that feeling), it's that you remember what kind of f-up emotional turmoil you've been through. 

I guess some people exist for a momentarily period of time, is to shape you to becoming a better person, phycially and mentally. Don't be sad because of a single person, banyak lagi ikan di lautan.

Am I better person now? maybe... yeah kinda... I take religous matter bit more seriously, lost a lot of weight (90Kg to 69Kg), know myself a little bit more and kinder.... I think? I don't know...

Ohh by the way, I'm 2 weeks from getting back home.. hopes everythings is fine... If I'm not, well to whomever read this, you have finally dug out the real Syauqi. The Syauqi where he hid he's true self. The Syauqi that don't really have anyone to turn to, except him self and God.

You probably he's parent, wife or someone random that happen to stumble upon this blog. I bid you welcome.

I don't really have anymore idea what to write, so.. yeah "Keep Moving Forward".

Odd Raya

Where do I even begin?... Hmmm... lets say this Raya for me is really odd and calming...

Soo much Malaysian student have gone back, only left us few stranded here in Manchester.

So Ramadhan didn't went so well, could've been better.

What I'm really wanted to talk today is about my feeling, an updated towards how I feel about "her".

Ramadhan made me realise who I am... maybe not  really knowing "who I really am", but more like knowing what kind of a person I am real deep down. After some thought and pondering, I have come to conclude something about myself...

I really do love them, 

I look up to both of them, an example of someone that one day I want to become, spritually and mentally. But... with my current addiction, I can't possibly imagine that I should ever build my relationship with them. They deserve someone better, someone who possibly like them.

After spending sometime with her, days before Raya, I notice something... my feeling isn't real...

it's like I'm forcing myself to loved them. I still do loved them, but my loved for them is that I wanted them to be with someone who meant to be. 

It's pain me, but I really am not ready for any relationship, probably for quite sometime... Not until I resolved myself. I would be a betrayal toward them if I were to have a relationship with them.

And you probably notice that I used "Them" alot.... Yes, I have played with alot of feelings, which I want to draw back bit by bits, whomever they like from now on, I wanted to accept it and support them.

In near future maybe there will be someone for me, someone who really understand me and able to accept me with my problem.

There so much about me they have not known yet, If they were know about it. We probably strangers by now...

Plus... I  have a promise to fullfil towards my parent first, probably gonna take forever, but that's okay... Oh what a life...

Well, Syauqi... Keep Moving Forward.

I am not aunthentic

I can't really feel myself anymore...

People keep teasing my heart, I keep teasing my heart

Why do I need to feel love? Why is it love given by my family is not enough? Isn't it your family is everything? Am I trying too hard to be beloved? Why can't I be true to myself? Why is there so much of me? Where is my true self? What do I really want? Why can I just be me? Why is it God won't answer my prayer? Why can't I be you? Why can't I be normal? Why are there so much noise within my head? Why won't is shut up? Why I keep trying to find an answer to never ending "Why"?

I'm tired... but... why can't I just not stop?
Why is it I need to feel sad and depress to be able to feel alive?
Why is the excruciating feeling feels so good?
I hate it... but, I can't get enough of it

Why is it must be female? What am I really seeking for?


I     don't      know.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. .

It must be pain, just hold on a little longer... It's all gonna be over soon...

Death

So it's already mids of April, Univesity is out due to covid-19. Here I am stuck in my room.

Look... me being stuck in my room is the worst posible feeling ever. Being stuck and not able to go out have made my mental health go down the drain.

*New Update: Actually the text above have been there for quite sometime, now just got the will to update this *wish how I got the same will to do my report T_T*

Yeah it's already end of April, a day before May. Booked a flight back home, should be on 4/5, cancelled to 17/5, cancelled again to 16/6, probably gonna get cancel again. Welp, what can you do during this pandemic, shit happen.

Second Raya di perantauan, not that bad actually, but I really hope that I can get back before Raya Haji. Raya Haji is the most meriah festival in my life compare to Raya Puasa.

So Syauqi, today topic is "Death", yup mati. If I were to die I probably go straight to hell, no doubt. When near death situation comes, I plea like a little bitch to God to have a second chance. But when I'm fine and healthy, I loose myself. I do all sort of shit behind people back, no one knows who I really am. With all the addiction that I have, there's no telling me when does it gonna stop, tried to stop it during ramadan but failed on the fourth day.

I feel so hopeless, If I were to stand infront of god during the resurection day, I probably be stun, stun seeing the mountain of sin I have committed, out of word, no excuse, totally being done by me.

At this point in life I really have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life, the future seems dark and bleak. The feeling on loneliness always lingers in me. I tried to kill my feeling towards her but I still love her. Ohh this feeling of unrequited love. it's soo painfull, it makes me alive. Alive but in despair. Bagai menusuk pisau ke jantung, rather than stop it, I push it deeper just to feel alive. I don't know what is my problem, I have such comfortable life, good food, a nice home to sleep, financially stable, a loving parent, great friends all around.

But, what is it with me? Why can't I be normal like them? Why can't I have a strong faith like them? Just why? What is it with me that I'm soo different compare to my friends? Why God? Am I really destine for hell? Is my existance set an example to whole man kind as a person that will go to hell no matter what he does? I try, I really do, but sometime it really just hard to go againts the flow.

Nothing about me is authentic, Just a lump of body that adapt to it's enviroment from time to time.

Well Syauqi, I really hope you find someone who can bring you happiness, someone that can end this feeling of loneliness. Don't be too picky. I hope that when you come back to read this again, I hope everything is well, hope that you able to finish your degree, hope that you find happiness, hope that you become a better muslim, hope that your parent will be proud of you. Soo many hope hahahhahaha, one last hope....., hope that this "hope" won't turn into poison. If it does....... Just "Keep Moving Forward".