It's been 5 months already, entahlah Syauqi, kau patut dengar cakap Mama Ayah....
Jangan sesekali jatuh cinta, engkau tu lah broken inside, dengan mental state yang lemah kau nak jatuh cinta? hah... lemah lah kau Syauqi, kerja nak menyusahkan orang sekeliling saja kau ni...
Hah... so sekarang macam mana? baru kau tahu reality cinta tak seindah mana kau expect, ada je masalah, serupa orang lonely XD.
At the end of the day kau masih sunyi, despite having someone, you still are a lonely prick.
Ni apa langkah seterusnya? kau hanya menyiksa dia dan kau, baik kau lepaskan saja. You are better being alone and sad like you always has been. Tiada siapa faham kau Syauqi, Tuhan saja faham kau, tu pun kau tak jaga hubungan dengan Tuhan.
Sedarlah.... sudah sudah lah.... end this game call of heart. Aku bagi kau lagi 2 bulan... kalau kau masih macam ni, tarik lah diri kau tu, kesian anak dara tu, mana tahu dia dah ada someone else, dia kesian akan kau so dia tak nak kau rasa sedih.
Just be alone for the rest of your life... you just not capable of giving out love, deep down you know who you are....
Whenever I think about it, I really don't have an idea what's it gonna be like.
It give me this cold hard look at me whenever it cross my mind.
But honestly, we all don't know what's our future will be like.
Back then when I was around 11-12 years old, me and my mate were wondering how we turn out when we finish high school. We weren't so sure what our path will be like, but one thing for certain, that we will be there and think again how we would be when we reach 20's and that's what we exactly thought again when we met each other at 17.
Now I'm 23, things are not that great but not so bad either. Remember that I said in previous post that I can finally let go of my feeling towards her? yeah that was hard. It's even harder when all the sudden you dream of her finally accepting you. The dream felt so real, I shed tears during my sleep.
Man.. what.. a.. life!...
So I'm writing this is when the future me is reading and finally found someone (someone that able to reciprocrate that feeling), it's that you remember what kind of f-up emotional turmoil you've been through.
I guess some people exist for a momentarily period of time, is to shape you to becoming a better person, phycially and mentally. Don't be sad because of a single person, banyak lagi ikan di lautan.
Am I better person now? maybe... yeah kinda... I take religous matter bit more seriously, lost a lot of weight (90Kg to 69Kg), know myself a little bit more and kinder.... I think? I don't know...
Ohh by the way, I'm 2 weeks from getting back home.. hopes everythings is fine... If I'm not, well to whomever read this, you have finally dug out the real Syauqi. The Syauqi where he hid he's true self. The Syauqi that don't really have anyone to turn to, except him self and God.
You probably he's parent, wife or someone random that happen to stumble upon this blog. I bid you welcome.
I don't really have anymore idea what to write, so.. yeah "Keep Moving Forward".
Where do I even begin?... Hmmm... lets say this Raya for me is really odd and calming...
Soo much Malaysian student have gone back, only left us few stranded here in Manchester.
So Ramadhan didn't went so well, could've been better.
What I'm really wanted to talk today is about my feeling, an updated towards how I feel about "her".
Ramadhan made me realise who I am... maybe not really knowing "who I really am", but more like knowing what kind of a person I am real deep down. After some thought and pondering, I have come to conclude something about myself...
I really do love them,
I look up to both of them, an example of someone that one day I want to become, spritually and mentally. But... with my current addiction, I can't possibly imagine that I should ever build my relationship with them. They deserve someone better, someone who possibly like them.
After spending sometime with her, days before Raya, I notice something... my feeling isn't real...
it's like I'm forcing myself to loved them. I still do loved them, but my loved for them is that I wanted them to be with someone who meant to be.
It's pain me, but I really am not ready for any relationship, probably for quite sometime... Not until I resolved myself. I would be a betrayal toward them if I were to have a relationship with them.
And you probably notice that I used "Them" alot.... Yes, I have played with alot of feelings, which I want to draw back bit by bits, whomever they like from now on, I wanted to accept it and support them.
In near future maybe there will be someone for me, someone who really understand me and able to accept me with my problem.
There so much about me they have not known yet, If they were know about it. We probably strangers by now...
Plus... I have a promise to fullfil towards my parent first, probably gonna take forever, but that's okay... Oh what a life...
People keep teasing my heart, I keep teasing my heart
Why do I need to feel love? Why is it love given by my family is not enough? Isn't it your family is everything? Am I trying too hard to be beloved? Why can't I be true to myself? Why is there so much of me? Where is my true self? What do I really want? Why can I just be me? Why is it God won't answer my prayer? Why can't I be you? Why can't I be normal? Why are there so much noise within my head? Why won't is shut up? Why I keep trying to find an answer to never ending "Why"?
I'm tired... but... why can't I just not stop?
Why is it I need to feel sad and depress to be able to feel alive?
Why is the excruciating feeling feels so good?
I hate it... but, I can't get enough of it
Why is it must be female? What am I really seeking for?
I don't know.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. .
It must be pain, just hold on a little longer... It's all gonna be over soon...
So it's already mids of April, Univesity is out due to covid-19. Here I am stuck in my room.
Look... me being stuck in my room is the worst posible feeling ever. Being stuck and not able to go out have made my mental health go down the drain.
*New Update: Actually the text above have been there for quite sometime, now just got the will to update this *wish how I got the same will to do my report T_T*
Yeah it's already end of April, a day before May. Booked a flight back home, should be on 4/5, cancelled to 17/5, cancelled again to 16/6, probably gonna get cancel again. Welp, what can you do during this pandemic, shit happen.
Second Raya di perantauan, not that bad actually, but I really hope that I can get back before Raya Haji. Raya Haji is the most meriah festival in my life compare to Raya Puasa.
So Syauqi, today topic is "Death", yup mati. If I were to die I probably go straight to hell, no doubt. When near death situation comes, I plea like a little bitch to God to have a second chance. But when I'm fine and healthy, I loose myself. I do all sort of shit behind people back, no one knows who I really am. With all the addiction that I have, there's no telling me when does it gonna stop, tried to stop it during ramadan but failed on the fourth day.
I feel so hopeless, If I were to stand infront of god during the resurection day, I probably be stun, stun seeing the mountain of sin I have committed, out of word, no excuse, totally being done by me.
At this point in life I really have no idea what I'm gonna do with my life, the future seems dark and bleak. The feeling on loneliness always lingers in me. I tried to kill my feeling towards her but I still love her. Ohh this feeling of unrequited love. it's soo painfull, it makes me alive. Alive but in despair. Bagai menusuk pisau ke jantung, rather than stop it, I push it deeper just to feel alive. I don't know what is my problem, I have such comfortable life, good food, a nice home to sleep, financially stable, a loving parent, great friends all around.
But, what is it with me? Why can't I be normal like them? Why can't I have a strong faith like them? Just why? What is it with me that I'm soo different compare to my friends? Why God? Am I really destine for hell? Is my existance set an example to whole man kind as a person that will go to hell no matter what he does? I try, I really do, but sometime it really just hard to go againts the flow.
Nothing about me is authentic, Just a lump of body that adapt to it's enviroment from time to time.
Well Syauqi, I really hope you find someone who can bring you happiness, someone that can end this feeling of loneliness. Don't be too picky. I hope that when you come back to read this again, I hope everything is well, hope that you able to finish your degree, hope that you find happiness, hope that you become a better muslim, hope that your parent will be proud of you. Soo many hope hahahhahaha, one last hope....., hope that this "hope" won't turn into poison. If it does....... Just "Keep Moving Forward".
For the past few days, I felt so lonely and lost, I come to conclude that I have no one to turn to, no one to express my feelings, no one to trust, no one to depend on.
Feel betrayed, left out, abandoned. Felt so desperate that I teased someone that I care, too far, she no longer comfortable around me. Man... all these desperate feeling, desperate to be loved is driving me crazy, this shit is sad and depressfull.
How I wish I was a robot, just execute without any hesitation, do whatever it needs to achieved one objective without care, No feeling or emotions, just do whatever to stay alive, no needs, no nothing. Just be living at the bare minimum just to stay alive.
I thought this the year I actually make friends, but it turn out i'm still lonely as fuck. I thought I'm just too desperate for women, so I decided that I will reduce my interaction with them and focus on my male friends, but they also left me. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I am absolutely lost. I am easily discarded when no longer needed.
One of my goal this year is to be the "kindest person you ever know" but holy fuck! is hard to kept being kind to people, especially when they respond back towards you like this. You may argue that "Then you're not sincere in being kind" I am only human, I tried my best to be sincere whatever happen to me, but as much a human can take, I also tend to explode when it's too much. I'm not strong, I really am not......
"Then find a new friends" how many time do I need to be discarded? Every single person I know, closed to me for awhile then alll the sudden gone, It's always been me chasing after them, I'm tired......, I wanna find someone who is genuine. I don't belong anywhere, they all have their own friends, I'm just a parasite holding to someone for sometime, when I drained them, off I jump to another victims. Who am I..... who do I think I am, trying to be their someone special.
Just better for me to accept that I am alone, and I need to start to get use to it.
Part of me kept telling me that "At least you have God", sadly days after days of depression made me less of a religious person and made me forget about God.
Ohh Syauqi of the coming time, let it be 1 month, 2 month, 5 year, 10 years. If you still alive and reading this, let this be a reminder if you ever met someone you love and she also love you back equally or more, be always to remember that you've been lonely for years. Love her, trust her, and never kept a secret from her.
whatever you feel, whatever sort of challenge you're facing, let's not forget:
I think I already have trust issue, I've been open to people too easily, at the end they all just walk away from you.
It's not like it's their fault, I guess complaining to people about my life problem isn't such a pleasant topic. I don't tell my parent how I am, I only tell my closed friends, but I come to relized that... I open to up everyone nowadays..
Desperately looking for attention, so now.... I choose not to tell anyone anything, no more getting to closed to anyone. I just end-up hurting them in the process.
So I use this blog to express all my bottle up feelings.
Lately, I've been feeling very lonely, Keep thinking about "Her", but deep down I know I don't really like her or anything. Is that feeeling of desperate that kept me in this state of mind.
I think Syauqi, you better of be alone, there's so much to life than this love life bullshit - (Ideal Syauqi)
Easy said than done, even if I want to forget about this, this thought, feeling, emotion.... it just kept coming, how much long can I deny it?
I'm scared....
Scared of myself....
Scared of the wrong decission I will made in life
I hope the future me that reading this, The best of luck to you future... And remember...
A great way to start new decade is with exams... Haishhh, but this time exam is kinda bit different compare to last year. can actaully answer the question and math have been quite easy, guess "Practice make perfect" is actually true (No shit sherlock).
I have stop thinking about girls or having a relationship lately, but is does comes to my mind sometimes.
Not gonna lie, at somepoint it does feel kinda lonely, been rejected my whole life hahahahah, f*ck it, not going to fall for no one anytime soon.
What's my goal for this year? Hmmmm, probably reinstated the last year goal "To be Kind"
No.... "To be the kindest person you ever know"
No more enemies, foe, frenemies or whatnot, life is too short, just wanted to enjoy to the fullest....
